My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
