i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
