The maid of honor just puked.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
