4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who died my cat blue again?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
