seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
