I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
