I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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