I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
do nipples grow back?
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