Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
