Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
