He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I still have a little drunk in my system
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
