Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
