I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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