i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
