What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
