I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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