I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
