Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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