What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
