she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
