I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
