it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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