I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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