im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
