I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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