well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
