I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
