Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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