I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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