Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
