I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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