Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
