dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
