he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
