I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
