I wish I could teleport
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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