either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
