just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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