I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
