So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
