Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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