Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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