New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
