Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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