Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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