remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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