see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
