No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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