She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
