the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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