I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you would pick up someone in the library
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
