Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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