It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
